Hesitate
by Halsteadpd
Summary: Post 4x23 Linstead. Collab with Wishuponaharry
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome to a new story! So this basically takes off right after 4x23 ends because let's be honest, we all need something to recover from it. This story is a collab I'm doing with AKgirl24 ( )/Wishuponaharry (Tumblr).**

 **Enjoy!**

/

The metal was cool against her hand as she ran her thumb over the fingerprint that was etched into the dog tag Voight had given her just a short while ago. She heard her phone ringing and pulled it out of her jacket pocket, not at all surprised when Jay's name spanned the top of the screen. She had removed the photo of them she had previously when he left. She couldn't bear to see his smiling face every time he called, she barely had the courage to look at his face during work. Her heart would hurt every time he gave her a small smile or when she would feel his gaze on her as she spoke to the team. She needed to get over it. Over _him_. She only hesitated for a moment before pressing the lock button, ending the incoming call, tears gathering in her eyes as she stared across the water at the Chicago skyline.

All she did was take a deep breath, turning away and headed towards her car. As she drove, her mind was filled with the events of the past few days. A shudder ran down her spine as she thought about the little boy who now lay in the morgue. If only they had worked just a little bit faster, that child would still be alive, maybe scarred, but alive. If she was going to make an impulsive move in the end, she could've done so earlier and saved that boy. But she didn't.

Erin parked and sat in the car, willing up the energy to walk up to her apartment to start on her new life, one she hoped would rid her of her current emotions. That's just what Erin Lindsay does. She works hard so she doesn't have to think of the bad stuff. All her life she pushed away the pain and here she was, doing it yet again. Finally, she got out of the car and made her way upstairs, pausing to run her fingers over the circle of metal on her door that marked the apartment number 310.

It didn't take long for her to fill a suitcase with the things she'd need. She tossed in her toiletries and a few other mementos before adding in a few handfuls of clothes. The suitcase zipped easily and she wheeled it into the kitchen. The only things in her fridge were a few beers, a takeout container of sesame chicken, and an overly ripe apple. She heated the chicken in the microwave and cut up the apple, putting the slices into a Ziploc bag and throwing them in her bag.

Once the chicken was thoroughly warmed, she grabbed a plastic fork and grabbed the suitcase and headed out. She felt her heart break a little when she spotted a photo of her and Jay on the bookshelf. It was a photo from when he took her for a day out on the Chicago River. He insisted that boating was the best way to spend their first day off in 2 weeks, "a way to blow off some energy".

Snatching it off of the shelf, she stuffed it in her suitcase, frame and all. The room was immersed in darkness as she flipped off the lights and headed towards the door, peering over her shoulder before slamming it shut. She jiggled the knob to make sure it was locked before dragging her things to her car.

"Where are you going?"

Erin nearly dropped the container of chicken at the sound of Jay's voice. His voice was still warm like honey, but she could hear the tiredness in it. She knew he wasn't sleeping too well, the dark circles under his eyes seemed to get deeper and deeper by the day. All she wanted to do was drag him to a bed and lie down with him, combing her fingers through his hair as she lulled him to sleep. But she couldn't.

She turned and saw him standing there, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his black jacket, leaning against the hood of her car. The streetlights illuminated his face, and she could see the sadness in his eyes. Her heart broke a little when she saw him, but her voice was still as strong as ever.

"I have a flight to catch, Jay. Please don't make this harder than it already is," she said, shoving her suitcase in the backseat and slamming the door.

She turned to walk to the drivers side, but he caught her arm. He pulled her to him, trapping her in his arms. His green eyes were calm, but Erin could feel his heart racing in his chest. She looked up at him expectantly.

"Let me go," she said. She tried to be assertive, but her voice came out almost broken, no thanks to her own heart thumping in her chest.

"How can you just walk away from all of this? From Intelligence? From Chicago? From us?" he asked, his eyes searching hers for any semblance of an answer. She could see the tears clouding his vision as he spoke.

"You were the one who walked away from 'us', Jay. Not me," she spat.

"And that will forever be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but I am not ready to let you leave. Please Erin." She could hear the desperation in his voice as they stood chest to chest. Her resolve was weakening.

"I can't stay here. I don't have a job anymore, my mother may or may not have committed a murder, you and I aren't together, and if Hank keeps me in the unit there won't even _be_ a unit. There's no reason for me to stay, Jay." Tears had started to fill her eyes.

"Let me give you a reason," Jay said.

"What possible reason could you give me?" she asked, her voice shaking.

Jay let go of her and took a step back, digging into his right pocket like he had earlier in the day. He pulled out a red wooden box, the one that belonged to his mother years back, before he shifted onto one of his knees. Erin's eyes involuntarily widened and her breath hitched in her throat as she watched his movements.

"Erin, you're all I think about and you've been there for me every step of the way. I love you so damn much that I can't even explain it and I'm not going to just stand by and watch you leave. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I want to have cute little babies with you. I know I fucked up and I know I walked away and I'm so stupid for doing that but it only made me realize how much more I needed you." He took a deep breath before asking the question that had been on his mind all day.

"Will you marry me?"

/

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	2. Chapter 2

She only hesitated for a moment, before she turned around and got into her car, speeding away.

/

 **A/N: Lol**

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	3. Chapter 3

Erin stood there, her heart racing, frozen in shock. She was sure that he could hear her heart reverberating against her ribcage by the way he watched her facial reactions. Jay was looking at her, waiting for an answer, a hint of anxiety in his eyes.

She remembers looking into his eyes before she found the will to move her legs again. All she did was turn away from him and walk towards the driver's side of the car, taking a seat. She forcibly slammed the door and drove away, her mind racing. She looked through her rearview mirror to see his reaction, and she saw him standing up, looking at what she presumed was the ring, with his shoulders sagging. The words they spoke to each other echoed in her head.

"Jay, I don't know what to say," she had said, shoving her hands into her pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking.

"Say yes, Erin. Let me love you forever," he begged.

"I can't say yes. It isn't the right time. You're only doing this in an attempt to keep me here. I do want to marry you, just not right now. We need some time to sort everything out." Her voice shook as she spoke, but she held the tears in her eyes, not wanting to lose control.

"So you're saying no?" he asked, his voice breaking.

"I'm not saying 'no'. I'm just saying 'not yet'." He nodded his head slowly in understanding as he stood up.

Erin hesitated for a moment before climbing into her car and shutting the door. She waved a quick goodbye to Jay before driving off. Turning the corner, she took one last glance in the rearview mirror. Her heart ached as she saw Jay standing there, looking completely beaten down. It was as if she could see the look on his face, as if it had been etched into her memory. Her brows were probably furrowing and his eyes were probably turning to more of a grey colour. His breaths would be heavy and evident from the way his shoulders would move heavily up and down with his body. But most importantly, she can see his heart breaking. She can see the look of disappointment on his face, and that's what broke her.

As she drove, her phone dinged with a text message from him.

 _Let me know when you get to New York. Please stay safe._

It took all of Erin's strength to not turn her car around and run right back into Jay's arms. She had just turned him down for what would've been one of the biggest moments of their lives yet he still cared about her wellbeing. By the time the airport came into view, tears were streaming down her face. The reality of leaving behind everything she'd ever known finally hitting her. Parking her car, she looked down at Jay's text message, trying to decide how to respond.

 _I will._

She pressed send, knowing that it was the best response she could give without pouring all of her emotions into it. Her phone rang a few moments later. She looked down, expecting it to be Jay, but was surprised to see Voight's name instead.

"Hey, Hank," she said.

"Hey, kid. When's your flight?" he asked.

"It boards in... 20 minutes. Shit."

"I guess you're driving to New York then," he joked.

"That's okay. I could use the time to think," she said, wiping her eyes but forcing a small chuckle from her lips.

"How are you holding up?" he asked, a touch of concern in his voice.

"I'm fine, Hank," she replied, unsure if she was trying to convince her foster dad or herself.

"You call me if you need anything," his grave voice taking on a serious note.

"I will. Thank you."

They said their goodbyes and Erin ended the call. She sat in the parking lot for a little while longer, collecting herself. When she got out of the car, the Chicago wind whipped at her face. She quickly extracted her suitcase from her car, lightly jogging towards the airport terminal.

She got lost. Twice. Why was O'Hare so large? She thought about how she wouldn't have been lost if Jay had been there. He would've made her go to the airport hours before she was scheduled to board. The thought of him made the tears reappear in her eyes, but she quickly brushed them away before continuing towards her terminal.

She quickly ran to her gate when it came into view and smiled sheepishly at the woman taking her ticket.

"I'm sorry Ms. Lindsay, the door has been shut and the plane is getting ready for takeoff. You'll have to take the next one."

Erin's eyes widened in panic and anger as she stared at the woman in front of her. She took a deep breath before responding.

"I am on my way to a very important job. I need to be on this flight," Erin said firmly.

The gate agent just looked at Erin with her fake, customer-pleasing smile.

"I'm sorry, but once the door is closed we can't open it again until the aircraft has arrived at its destination. I can search for the next flight to New York for you."

It took all of Erin Lindsay's self control to not slap the woman's smile off her face. Her life seemed to be a constant cycle of existential crisis and dead ends wherever she turned. She returned her own facade-laced smile, before forcibly grabbing her suitcase and walking away.

She stopped at a bench, flopping herself down on it before burying her head in her hands. She was on the brink of a panic attack but she didn't want to show it in such a public place, somewhere where she was so vulnerable. Her breathing was heavy and her heart was the only thing she could hear. She lost track of how long she sat there, before she got up and walked out of the airport.

Her hands gripped the steering wheel tight, making the colour from her knuckles fade to white. She sat for a while, wanting to scream before she felt her turning the key in the ignition, and driving the familiar road to her home.

Maybe it was a sign that she missed her flight. A sign to stay in Chicago. But what did Chicago even have for her? She was suspended from her job, the man she loved had left her weeks ago only to come back and spring the question on her that made her heart stop, even the man she deemed to be her father sincerely wanted her to go to New York. Chicago served her no more purposes.

Instead of going home, she took a detour. She went to a bar a couple blocks away from her apartment. Maybe all she needed was a drink or two to get her mind to make a decision.

Her 'drink or two' turned to downing shots all night. She was so drunk that she couldn't even remember her own address, so instead she was taken to a nearby hotel by a taxi. She spent the night in a small room, consisting of a bed, a couch and a TV. The only thing on her mind all night had been the blue eyed man she loved so much.

/

He spent the night in her apartment. It was the only place he ever considered home. But it wasn't the four walls that gave him his solace. It was the smells of her and all of her things. It was the many conversations they had with each other and it was how he never felt unwanted whenever they would make love. It was when he would walk through the door, that he would be greeted with hazel eyes and dimpled cheeks, attributes he prayed that his children would inherit some day, even if she insisted that they have his eyes.

He slept heavily. The most he had slept in weeks. Maybe it was the aroma of her, giving him the illusion that she was next to him. But she wasn't. He couldn't wrap his arm around her waist to bring her closer to him. He couldn't bury his face in her neck, smelling her faint smells as it led him into eternal bliss. He couldn't help but think he may have fucked it all up. Because he never got a text from her when she got to New York. Maybe he had finally scared her away.

He showered and got dressed just like he did when he lived with her. It all felt too familiar to him. His movements were habits, and he knew exactly where to locate everything. He was out the door early, itching to get to work so he could have something to distract himself with.

He stopped once to pick up some coffee at one of Erin's favourite coffee houses before he slowly made his way into the precinct. He managed to avoid Platt's sarcasm as he quickly made his way to the palm scanner, letting himself in.

He noticed the bullpen was empty, except for Voight in his office. The door was closed and when his eyes wandered, his footsteps faltered. He thought he was paralyzed, his sense of touch leaving his body. He was surely not mistaken, because when the two people shifted in the office, he got a clear look.

Erin Lindsay was still in Chicago.

/

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	4. Chapter 4

Jay stood still, unable to move, trying to process the scene in front of him. Erin and Voight were talking with obvious tension between them, neither of them looking exceptionally happy. Voight pulled Erin into a quick hug before she opened the door and stepped out into the bullpen, eyes cast downwards. Jay's heart ached when he saw that Erin's eyes and cheeks were red and puffy. Undoubtedly, she had been crying.

"Hey," he said quietly, almost a whisper, as they approached the middle of the bullpen. He wanted to touch her. He needed to. He needed to feel that soft skin on her cheeks as he wiped away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. But he didn't.

Erin's head snapped up at the sound of his voice. Her eyes widened when she saw him standing there, and she immediately turned to leave, only to be stopped by Jay's hand lightly gripping her wrist. His thumb lightly traced unrecognizable patterns into her skin, and it calmed him instantly. _Why is he at work so early?_

"Why are you still here?" he asked as he tried to catch her eye. He failed to hide the surprise and excitement in his voice.

Erin didn't speak, unsure of how to respond. After a few moments of silence, she turned to face him, sighing as she did. Her heart raced as she saw the confused look in his bloodshot eyes. She knew that everything that was going on was so unfair to him. He got the short end of the stick to this deal, and she couldn't help but feel heartache for him as she watched his blue eyes begin to cloud into their greener state.

"I missed my flight. I just came in to talk to Hank about some stuff," she finally said. She smiled, trying to hide the fact that everything in her life was spiralling down. _If only he knew. Maybe I should've stayed. Maybe I should've said yes. Fuck._

"Then why are you crying?" Erin glared at him, wiping the residual tears from her eyes defiantly. A slight smile flickered across his face at the snippet of his favorite version of Erin. He loved her stubborn, defiant attitude. "Erin, what's going on?" _Please talk to me, don't shut me out again._

"Voight is working on figuring out a way to keep the Intelligence Unit together and potentially bringing me back," Erin admitted. _He's clueless, it won't happen. Don't get your hopes up. I've hurt you enough already._

"Erin, that's amazing. Why are you crying about it?"

"I'm not crying about that. It's just been a long week. Everything is just a little bit overwhelming right now." _I need you._

Jay nodded in agreement, his heart stinging slightly at the memories of the past few days, especially the memory of last night still fresh in his mind.

"Well what's your plan?" He was hoping that she would say that she's staying in Chicago, that she was going to stay for him, give their relationship one last shot. But the uncertain look on her face spoke otherwise.

"Honestly, I don't know, I'm just going to head home and get some sleep. It's been a long night, I'll see you." She turned away from him quickly, and his grasp on her arm came loose. He watched her walk down the stairs and when he heard the caged door close, his gaze fell to the floor. _Please come after me, Jay. Please. I love you, I should've said yes._

He turned to face Voight's office, noticing the older man staring at him. The door was still open, an invitation for him to walk in and talk. He looked back towards the stairs, as if he was expecting her to run back to him before he took a seat at his desk, turning on his computer.

/

She made it out to her Jeep before she let go of the breath she didn't know she was holding. Tension radiated throughout her body as it consumed her, pulling her into the inevitable darkness that she knew would come for her. She hadn't expected to be in Chicago, at her district, mulling around her thoughts. She was supposed to be at her new job with the FBI, trying to make an impression, keeping her mind on her work. But she couldn't. Not after the conversation she had with Voight. And then witnessing the concern in the blue hues of the one man she ever cared about.

She put the car in drive and drove the familiar path towards her apartment, her one sanctuary. As she made her way up the stairs to the third floor, she could feel both the physical and mental exhaustion overtaking her, and she ached for her queen sized bed and her 6 pillows. _I don't have the right pillow anymore._

It didn't look any different than when she left it. She didn't move any furniture or put any of her belongings in boxes. She took her few essentials, including some clothes, pictures and personal hygiene items, packed it in a suitcase and left without looking back. However, as she made her way towards her bedroom, she saw the one thing that was different. The way the bedsheets were tucked tightly under the mattress without any creases was evident that her bed was slept in last night. It was neat and tidy and all the pillows she used were placed symmetrically in rows. A smile subconsciously grazed Erin's face as she moved towards the bed, letting her fingers trail over the cotton and polyester mix of fabric.

She made a habit to sleep in the few shirts he left behind. It gave her the illusion of having some part of him there. It was the sweet smell of his Irish Spring bodywash mixed with a faint scent of his mint shampoo and conditioner. But as she laid down on top of the sheets, she knew she wouldn't have to wear one of his shirts. She could cuddle the pillows he used the night before, just as she cuddled with him for all those months before. _God, I miss you._

Erin stripped into her pyjamas before she untucked the corners of the blanket. The smell she reminisced about quickly encapsulated her and pulled her into a much needed slumber, unaware of the text she received from him.

/

He sat in his desk nursing his second cup of coffee of the morning, staring at the words on his computer screen. The team around him were engrossed in their paperwork, occasionally getting distracted and goofing off. But he hadn't even moved since he sat down after returning from the break room. He could feel Voight's eyes on him, but he could care less about what his thoughts on him were at the moment. The woman he loved had missed her flight, the journey away from him, and he knew he couldn't mess up this time.

He checked his phone every 5 minutes, even though he knew she hadn't texted him. His mother's ring still followed him around, hoping that Erin would come to him and say that one word he desperately wanted to hear. It was false hope, but he would hold onto it, because it was all he had to hold on to.

After he was sure that she had made it home, and that she wasn't going to text him, he pulled up the text messages they shared. The last ones shared from last night were still there, the ones which he sent with tears clouding his vision. He quickly typed out a new message, hoping she would reply. It was short and quick and he didn't hesitate to send it before he returned to staring at his paperwork, actually putting effort into it.

 _I'm sorry. I love you._

 _/_

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	5. Chapter 5

Erin woke up at around noon, feeling surprisingly refreshed and happy. Here she was, her life falling apart, yet she was glad she got to have some sleep in her own bed rather than an unfamiliar bed in some apartment in New York City. It may have also helped that her bed was laced with one of her favourite smells. Him.

She sat up in bed and stretched her aching back muscles before reaching over to her bedside table to grab her phone. Erin furrowed her brows as she noticed a text from him that was received shortly after she had made it home and into bed.

 _I'm sorry. I love you._

She read the text over and over again, her mouth drying up over time. She closed her eyes and reminisced about that night, the night where she came home to find him packing his clothes into a duffel bag. It was when he brought his face close to hers, his left hand tangled in her hair, that he uttered those words. Her eyes had glazed over as she opened them, and all she felt was anger. She was filled to the brim with pure frustration at the fact that Jay had had the audacity to even think about texting her those words. He was the one to ask for space, yet he had proposed to her the night before, wanting to spend the rest of his life with her.

Erin took a deep breath, trying to shake off the overwhelming sensation that was slowly encapsulating her. Confusion was an understatement as to what she was feeling. All she wanted was the blue-eyed man back in her life. She wanted to feel his stubble underneath her fingertips; she wanted to grab him by his hand and curl her fingers between his; and she wanted to kiss him like she's never kissed him before, to once again get lost in the oblivion he put her into. But she knew she couldn't. She didn't understand why she asked for space in the break room that night, but she did know that she was now seriously regretting it. Her heart raced at the memory of that night. All she could think about was the heartbroken look in Jay's eyes, knowing that it was most likely the same look she had given him when he moved out. She couldn't bear to see the bloodshot and tearful eyes as he told her about his support group, the one he _finally_ agreed to go to because he needed help. She knew he was doing it for her, as a way to make it up to her, but it didn't hurt any less. But she was beyond proud because for once, Jay Halstead admitted that he wasn't okay. Part of her knew that, but the other part had been secretly hoping that everything would just work itself out. And fast.

He checked his phone obsessively, waiting for a response. It wasn't until around noon that he noticed she had read his text. His heart wanted to jump out of his chest and a grin slowly became plastered to his face. He hoped that she would reply, that she would invite him over that night for dinner or that she would want to meet at Molly's. But as the minutes ticked on, he regretted his decision to text her. He should've waited until Voight had sent them home for the night and he would've shown up to that apartment door labelled '310' where one of the keys in his key ring would fit effortlessly and he could turn it and walk in. He even could've knocked and waited for her to invite him in, because he liked to see her comfortable with her decisions and in the environment around her.

He didn't release the breath he was holding until he saw those three little dots appearing at the bottom of his screen. But then they disappeared. After a few seconds, they came back up. He knew she was being selective about what she wanted to say, that's Erin Lindsay for you, but when she didn't reply, he physically felt his shoulders slump. His attention was brought back to his task when Voight gingerly walked out of his office, hands in his pockets, with his eyes on him. Jay turned off his phone screen before placing it in the left side drawer in his desk, shutting it quietly.

Jay watched Voight walk back into the threshold of his office, hand on the doorknob. He knew Voight was waiting on him, so he quickly stood and made his way into the office, sitting down in one of the chairs.

"Everything alright?" His voice sounded almost weak as he spoke to the superior man sitting in front of him.

"You've been really invested into your phone this morning." Jay didn't say anything.

"Look, I know you're worried about Erin and her future here, but I can't have you sitting around hoping she'll text you back. What would've you done if she actually did get onto her flight?"

"Well, I don't know, but I'd prob-"

"Jay… I don't think it's worth your time. You see, Erin's not the greatest with commitment. How many times has she run away from you when things got serious? She needs to work through this, Halstead. She told you to give her space and you need to respect that. This isn't just about you anymore."

"With all due respect, Sir, I don't want or need relationship advice from my boss." With that he angrily got up out of the chair and opened the door a bit too forcefully before sitting back down at his desk. He could feel his heart beating heavily against his ribcage with anger. What had Erin told him this morning? Voight had no idea what was going on behind closed doors and Erin isn't the type of person to vocalize her feelings. It took all of Jay's strength and willpower not to turn around and give Voight a serious piece of his mind. He could feel Ruzek and Atwater's eyes on him, sizing up the situation to see if they needed to intervene. They decided against it, not wanting to be in the way when Jay's anger boiled over. They'd only seen him mad a few times, and when he was, all control flees from his body. Nobody in the unit would forget when Terry died. Erin was the only person in the unit who knew just what to say to keep him in control of his temper. And she wasn't here. Not anymore.

Opening the drawer, Jay pulled out his phone, glancing at the screen one last time. His heart skipped a beat when he saw one new message.

 _Let's meet up tonight. Molly's? - Will_

Jay sent Will a quick " _Sure"_ before throwing his phone back in the drawer, slamming it shut. Unable to focus on work, he stood up and walked to the break room, adding more coffee to his still half way full cup. He checked his watch for the umteenth time that day, noticing it was barely one o'clock. The unit was having a slow day so he was hoping Voight would send everyone home early. Moments after the thought popped into his mind, Voight stuck his head into the bullpen and told everyone there was a body in Wicker Park and their presence was requested. Jay stalked back to his desk, roughly grabbing his keys and jacket before following the team towards their vehicles.

"Halstead, you're with Ruzek on this one." Voight's voice came up from the rear of the group of men walking down the stairs.

"I'm driving." Jay stated authoritatively as he walked by Ruzek and towards the Sierra. Ruzek opened his mouth to argue, but saw the look on Jay's face and immediately shut it.

They drove in silence for a little while before Ruzek broke the silence.

"Why do you look like you're going to murder someone?" Jay didn't say anything nor did he move his body to acknowledge Ruzek's comment, he just kept his eyes on the road.

"Hey look man, I know things are going south with Erin but you guys will work it out. You always do. I remember back when Burgess gave me the ring back, I thought things were over. But look at us now. We're slowly smoothing things over and we have a really good thing starting to grow again."

"It took you two an entire year to figure your shit out. I'm not waiting that long. I can't."

"Jay, Erin's stubborn. So are you. Eventually both of you will figure out what needs to be said and you'll know how to say it. You just need to put some pride to the side and say what needs to be said. My biggest mistake was waiting on her to tell me she was wrong when it was my fault. Then she had the thing with Roman…"

"Dude, don't mention another guy coming into the picture."

"I'm not saying there will be, I'm just saying don't waste your time waiting on her. Take some damn initiative and go over to her and tell her what you want."

"There's like a 98% chance she'd punch me in the face."

"Then let her. As long as she wants you back it's a good thing, right?"

They arrived at their destination and began to follow behind the footsteps of the rest of the unit. Jay's mind buzzed with the conversation he just had with Ruzek, slightly surprised that the unit idiot had good advice in him for once. He sighed, knowing that what Adam had said was exactly what he needed to hear and what he needed to do. The time he spent at the crime scene was a blur as he thought about what exactly he would say when he showed up at Erin's door.

Before he knew it he was gathering his things at the end of the day, shutting down his computer and organizing some files. He was the last one there, so he was surprised when he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Looking up, he was even more surprised to see a head of dirty blonde hair coming into view. His breath caught in his throat when her sad hazel eyes met his confused blue ones.

"Jay… we need to talk."

/

 **A/N: Sorry for slow updates, we get distracted easily. Here's a little excerpt of us trying to write but instead talking about other random things.**

(Should he text will back? ... Lol tell will to suck a dick... yes please (preferrably Rhodes'... i fucking love rhodes... lol what dude me too. I started watching for Colin Donnell... OMG ME TOO SINCE HE DIED IN ARROW OMG... I CRIED LIKE A FUCKING BABY WHEN HE DIED... AND STEPHEN AMELL CRYING OMFG... MY HEART COULDN"T HANDLE IT I LITERALLY THREW THE BOWL OF CEREAL I WAS EATING… rip tommy, also it was weird when he was hitting on his half sister … RIGHT?! Like first of all that's your bff's sister. Second, y'all bitches are related… for real tho

 **These will probably be at the end of every chapter, we have too much fun writing this story. (But for real Tommy Merlyn chill tf out that's your half-sister)**

 **But please leave some reviews!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the delay!**

 **/**

"Jay… we need to talk." Her voice sounded tired and by the looks of the deep bags underneath her eyes, he assumed she didn't sleep too well.

"Um, I was going to grab drinks with Will at Molly's, did you want to join us? We could talk after that?" She looked around the empty bullpen, hesitation evident in her body language. She seemed so out of place and looked so vulnerable as she picked at some thread on the hem of her shirt.

"Hey…" His voice was soft as he spoke to her, the only way he ever spoke to her. "It's okay if you don't want to, I'll just text Will and rain check."

"No! Let's go out, it'll be good." Her voice sounded rushed and she cursed herself at how jumpy she was around him. She watched him grab his jacket from the back of his chair before putting it on. He waited for her to start walking first as he followed closely behind.

They got into their respective cars and drove the familiar road to their favourite bar. Parking was hard to find. Cars were looped around the entire corner, forcing Jay and Erin to walk a couple of blocks. They never spoke, but they stood close enough for Jay's hand to occasionally graze the back of Erin's. It was driving her nuts. All she wanted to do was grab his hand and forcibly entwine their fingers together. But she couldn't. He wanted space. She asked for it too. And he was trying to get better. For her. She couldn't be selfish right now.

When they walked into the bar, Will waved them over to the table where he was sitting with Natalie. A wave of disappointment hit Erin when she saw the female doctor, knowing that her and Jay were even less likely to talk about the heavy subjects they needed to discuss. Gabby waved at them from behind the bar before grabbing two beers and bringing them over.

"On the house," she said with a smile.

"Thanks, Gabby," Jay said, taking the beers and handing one to Erin.

She nodded and headed back to the bar while Erin took a long drink of the cold liquid, hoping to relieve some of her stress. While Will and Natalie launched into some story about a patient they had saved earlier, Erin quickly drowned her beer.

"I'll be right back," she said to no one in particular, excusing herself from the conversation.

She made a beeline for the bar, sitting down on one of the barstools forcefully. Gabby saw her tight facial expression and immediately reached for a bottle of bourbon that they kept on the shelf behind her. She slid a glass half-full of the honey-coloured liquid towards Erin.

"How are things at work?" she asked as Erin quickly downed the contents of the glass.

Gabby raised her eyebrows at Erin, but didn't say anything. Instead, she poured her another glass and let Erin open up.

"He was the one who asked for space and then all of the sudden he's proposing and telling me he loves me and it just isn't fair. He can't just spring all of that on me at once and expect me to be okay! I can't keep up with him and his stupid man brain," she huffed, feeling the alcohol starting to take effect.

"That does sound frustrating, but I think maybe this is Jay's way of telling you he's done with needing space. Maybe he's ready to talk and make up?" Gabby suggested.

"I told him I wanted to talk but he already had plans to meet up with Will and then when we got here, Natalie was with Will and I don't want to talk about everything with both of them listening in. This is between me and Jay. We should figure all this out before we start getting drinks together again."

"Why don't you tell him that?" the paramedic prompted.

Erin just shook her head and finished off another glass. She knew that she'd had enough before she even started on this round, the buzzing in her mind clouding her judgement as she left herself become vulnerable. But she wasn't ready to stop. She didn't want to feel all of the emotions that swirled inside of her. All she wanted was to wrap herself up in Jay's arms and go back to when everything was okay. Back when they were happy. Back before she found out he was married. Stupid Abby and stupid Jay for marrying her.

Erin slammed the now empty glass and looked at Gabby expectantly. The brunette just shook her head and took the empty glass, placing it behind the counter.

"I think you've had enough, Erin," she said.

Frowning, Erin tried to stand, toppling over, right into Jay who had come over to check on her. His arms held her steady while she regained her balance and it took everything she had not to kiss him right then and there. The warmth of his hands was a welcoming sensation to the skin on her arms. _God I missed this._

"Let's get you home," he said, grabbing her jacket and draping it over her shoulders.

Erin went to push him away, but stumbled and fell back into his arms. He helped her out of the bar and Will and Natalie waited with her while Jay pulled his car around.

"I'll follow behind in Erin's car. Natalie and I drove here together so she can just use mine and then pick me up." Will said, taking Erin's car keys.

Jay helped Erin into the car and made sure she was securely buckled in before closing the door and sliding behind the steering wheel. While Jay drove, Erin fought to keep her eyes open and the contents of her stomach inside her body. Every bump shook the alcohol inside her stomach, startling her out of her catatonic state as she tried to breathe through it.

By the time they got to her apartment, her eyes had fluttered shut and her breathing had evened out. Jay gently shook her awake and helped her to her front door, letting her bear all her weight on him. She struggled to get the key into the lock, so Jay took control, his large hand covering her small one and guiding the key.

"Let's get you changed and in bed," he said, pushing the door open and leading her inside.

Erin collapsed on the bed, much too out of it to change into pajamas. Jay smiled at the way she only took up part of the bed, even when she was stretched out. She only took up her side of the bed. He located her favorite sweatpants and one of his shirts that he had left behind. With a little bit of coaxing, Erin finally sat up and let Jay help her out of the outfit she was wearing and into the clothes he had picked out. Once she was dressed and tucked into bed, Jay went to the kitchen and filled a cup with water and grabbed the bottle of Advil from the bathroom cabinet. He set them on the bedside table and turned to leave.

"Stay." It was almost inaudible but she sounded so broken when she spoke the lone word. He turned and looked down at Erin. She was staring at him with wide eyes.

"Are you sure you want me to stay?" he asked, desperately hoping she would say yes. _I'm ready. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you._

She nodded her head slowly. Jay stripped off his shirt, jeans, and socks before sliding into bed next to Erin. She snuggled into him immediately, her legs tangling with his.

"You asked for space but I don't want to give you space right now. I love you too much to give you space," she mumbled, frowning slightly as her eyes closed.

Jay chuckled softly, wrapping his arms around the woman.

"I love you too."

As she fell asleep, he knew that this was a major step in the right direction for them. He just hoped that the conversation she wanted to have with him in a sober state wasn't the opposite.

/

 **Please Review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry about the wait!**

 **Recap: This story takes place after 4x23. Erin is getting ready to leave for New York and is met with Jay outside of her apartment. He asks her to marry him, and she tells him that she is not ready. She leaves for the airport where she coincidentally misses her flight and is forced to stay in Chicago. Jay slept the night in her apartment and when he gets to work the next day, he sees her (so he's like, obvs happy). There's like, so much sexual tension and stuff but Erin goes home and sleeps and Jay texts her "I'm sorry. I love you." Erin naps and then goes to the district because she wants to talk to Jay about the text and he tells her he's meeting Will for drinks. She tags along but she doesn't wanna talk about their personal life in front of Will because who would even wanna do that, it's super awks? So she gets wasted af and then Jay takes her home and she asks for him to stay the night. (So sorry about all of this waiting, regardless, enjoy).**

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Erin woke up early, her head throbbing and stomach churning. She looked over at Jay's sleeping form, one arm draped softly over his abdomen and the other on his side. There was a glass on her bedside table - likely left there by him the night before - and as she reached for it, she was hit with an instant wave of nausea and dizziness.

Jumping out of bed, Erin raced to the bathroom as quickly as she could. She barely made it to the toilet before her previous night's binge came pouring out in waves. She felt his cool hands move her hair out of the way as she continued to empty her stomach. She dry heaved for a couple of minutes before reaching up to flush the toilet, nodding her head towards Jay; a silent thank you. He watched her gingerly make her way towards the sink, grabbing her toothbrush and toothpaste where she kept it on _her_ side.

She looked tired; exhausted. Like she hadn't slept for weeks. Her hair was all over the place and she had dark circles under her eyes on her pale skin. All he wanted to do was scoop her up in his arms and make everything better, but she looked so _fragile._ Like she would break if he stepped any closer to her. Although his body itched to feel her cool skin against him, he decided against it. _Maybe she doesn't want this anymore._

"Did you want anything for breakfast? I can make some eggs or some toast?" Jay offered, his tone of voice soft.

"Coffee will be fine. Thanks." She swished some water in her mouth, getting rid of the minty suds of her toothpaste as she watched him in the mirror. There was concern etched onto his face and the way he looked into her eyes through the mirror made her legs shake.

"You should eat, take some meds. It'll help you feel better." His offer sounded weak, almost like he didn't care. But he knew that the wrong words could send her packing her bags again. Packing her bags to get away from him and the mess he caused.

"Yeah, I guess so. Make whatever you want, you know where everything is," Erin replied monotonously. She walked past him back into the bedroom, ignoring the burning look in his eyes.

15 minutes later both of them were sitting on the bar stools in the kitchen, silently eating some scrambled eggs and toast. Erin didn't eat much, but she made an effort to try to get something in her stomach. She had to admit, eating helped ease the pounding in her head; the feeling of her brain steadily pulsating against her skull.

It was nice having Jay here. It felt normal if you overlooked the fact that they were no longer dating, she was out of a job, that he was dealing with his PTSD and that they've barely even talked to each other, let alone looked at each other ever since he left her standing alone in their apartment. But it was nice.

Jay got up off the stool quietly and walked over to the sink, placing his dishes in and running some water to let them soak. He grabbed the bottle of Advil from the cabinet before filling up a glass of water, handing them both to Erin.

"Thanks." She mumbled.

"You gonna eat any more?" He looked down at her plate, noticing that she made it halfway through a piece of toast and made a small dent in her eggs.

"No, I don't think my body can take anymore." He nodded and took her plate, scraping off the food into the garbage before rinsing both their dishes and placing them into the dishwasher.

Jay awkwardly sulked around, not knowing whether or not he should leave back to Will's place or if he should sit back down next to her. He tried to find things to straighten up, but he respected Erin's space and stayed in the kitchen.

"Are we gonna talk about what happened last night?" Erin asked, her voice almost childlike. He was surprised by her question. He assumed she was too dazed to remember anything she did or said.

"What do you wanna talk about?" His heart pounded in his chest. _Please don't back away from me now._

"You know, coming home together, sleeping in the same bed and stuff." _I want it every night. It felt good. Please stay._

"Y-yeah… You asked me to stay and I couldn't leave you alone in that state." _I didn't want to leave you alone. You shouldn't even be alone._

"Yeah…" They settled in another awkward silence, eyes watching each other. Jay's phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket, momentarily focusing his gaze at the screen to read the text.

"That's Will, he's asking if I need a ride before he goes to work. I'll just grab my stuff and leave." His thumbs moved skillfully on his screen as he walked the familiar way to the bedroom.

"Wait…" _Just ask him Erin you dated him for so long._ "I can drop you off later. Wouldn't wanna trouble Will by coming here and then going back to drop you off." _I shouldn't even be dropping you off anywhere anyways._

Jay felt something warm from his belly radiate into the rest of his body. His heart jumped in excitement and he knew he had a stupid grin on his face; the one she loved so much.

"Sure."

/

They settled themselves on opposite sides of the couch, neither paying attention to some pointless TV show. They were both so jumpy around each other; flinching whenever one of them moved or shifted positions. It was as if they moved around too quickly, the other would disappear into thin air.

"Are we gonna talk?" Jay asked timidly. Erin huffed out a sigh before muting the TV and turning towards Jay's direction, somewhat dreading the inevitable. She knew that this talk would have to happen, but she didn't know what direction it would go in. Maybe he would move back in, sleep next to her at night and tease her about her cooking abilities. Or maybe she would chase him further away and the opportunity for reconciliation would falter.

"Yeah… Yeah, um. I'm sorry." Jay furrowed his brows at her apology.

"What do you mean? You have no reason to be sorry, I was the one who left."

"I don't know, I just, I knew I shouldn't have asked for space back in the breakroom that night and I completely walked out on you when you told me about support group and I know I've been completely walled off to you this past little bit-"

"Erin. Erin, stop." His voice was soft and dripped like honey, like she always remembered it. "I should be the one apologizing. I should've told you about Abby and my marriage but I thought that everything was done with it when I signed the divorce papers. I never asked her if she ever mailed them; it was my fault that I couldn't get away from the booze every night. I should've been more attentive. I'm sorry I hurt you like that. You don't deserve that, you've been through so much already."

"Walking out on us didn't exactly help." She sniffled.

The look on his face made her immediately regret her words. It was a look on his face she had only seen a few times; one of shame. She last saw it in the breakroom when she confronted him about Abby, how he never had any intentions of telling her that he was ever married. It made her heart sink and her stomach churn.

"Worst mistake of my life." He brought his eyes up to hers and she could see the fresh set of tears glazing them over. A lone tear slid down his face and she had to control herself to not reach out and touch his face. She knew her resolve was weakening, and that action alone would crumble it all away.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's just-" She paused to think of what she wanted to say. "It's just, for the last few weeks we've been walking around on eggshells around each other and then all of a sudden you're getting down on one knee and telling me you love me. It's so confusing."

"I know. I guess that I'm just trying to say that I'm ready. I'm ready to move back in and I didn't know how to ask you. I'm ready to be us again." Erin's heart wanted to leap out of her chest.

"You could've just asked. A simple 'hey Erin, I wanna come home' would've sufficed." He could hear the anger and frustration in her voice and he had never felt so stupid. He thought he was making the right choice, wanting to spend the rest of his life with her. But apparently not.

Jay blinked the tears in his eyes before clearing his throat to speak.

"Hey Erin, I wanna come home." He knew it was a risk with how pissed she was at the moment. But she _just_ said that that small statement would've sufficed. So he took his shot. "Please," he choked out.

He hesitated to look into her eyes, but when he did, he swore he never saw her so happy. Tears glistened them and fell freely, but they were bright; they were hopeful. She had a smile on her face that reached her eyes.

He hadn't been able to get that kind of smile from her in weeks.

"Erin, I know I'm far from perfect but these last few sessions at Support Group have been _really_ enlightening. Our Leader was telling us about closing old wounds and embracing things that make us happy and I knew that all I ever wanted or needed was you for that happiness. I wanted to ask you for a few days to move back in but you seemed really stressed so I didn't wanna pile everything onto you. I'm so sorry for everything and I'll understand if you still want your space and everything-" His statement was cut short as she moved her entire weight on her knees and placed the softest of kisses of his lips. So soft that he almost didn't feel it. His lips kissed her back on their own volition as he placed his hands on her hips, bringing her closer to him.

"Erin, wait. You never answered me." He said breathlessly pulling away.

"Of course. A million times yes." She bent back down to capture his lips again before he stopped her.

"I don't think we should be doing this right now." Hurt crossed over on her face. "There's so much we gotta talk about and work out. I promised my Support Group Leader that I'd see Dr. Charles as a way to get my life back on track. I'm ready to come home and I'm ready to be us again. I just don't want to hurt you and I want to make sure you're aware of the mess you'd be getting yourself into."

"Jay, I said it that night and I'll say it again. Whatever it is, I can handle it. Whatever you need, I'm here. Just don't close me off, please."

Erin would remember the small smile that became etched on his face for the rest of her life. It was so childlike and innocent, a complete antithesis of what he currently was and what he was dealing with. She wanted to kiss him, but she respected his wish. Instead, she grabbed the TV remote, un-muted the TV and settled into his side, basking in his warmth. As she distractedly listened to the news anchor on the TV, she felt as if she was floating; as if she was literally floating on cloud nine. She would never have thought that her day would be like this; content. She could only hold onto hope that everything would be okay.

/

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	8. Chapter 8

Erin fell asleep on the couch, head rested on Jay's lap, later that afternoon in a deep slumber. She hadn't slept like this ever since he left. It just didn't feel right hugging her six cold pillows in the middle of the night instead of feeling the hard bones of his ribs and hearing the sound of his heart, steadily thumping.

His smell left their bedsheets after a couple of weeks and Erin couldn't bring herself to throw them in the washer, ridding any trace of him that he had left behind. She slept in the few shirts he didn't pack, yet they still didn't bring her the comfort of _him._ But as she laid on their couch with the comfort of his arm on her, his thumb tracing patterns on her arm, it felt good. More than good. It felt like security and fulfillment. It felt like home. _He_ felt like home.

Erin began to stir after about an hour, and was greeted by his lopsided grin and blue-green eyes looking lovingly down at her. She smiled up at him before she brought her hand up into his hair and pushed his head down towards her. She met him in the middle and kissed him like she wouldn't be able to ever kiss him again. She pulled back and hesitantly opened her eyes, their deal of waiting being forgotten.

"Sleep okay?" His voice remained soft, deep and soothing. Like she always remembered it.

"Mhmm." He laughed as she closed her eyes and dug her face into his shirt.

"Still sleepy, I guess?"

"Yeah… But I wanna get up. We should go over to Will's and get your stuff." She quickly attempted to sit up, trying to rid herself of the drowsiness fogging her mind.

"If you wanted to sleep some more I can go by myself. It's just a duffle bag."

Now that was one thing Erin Lindsay couldn't give up. The comfort of her home, a warm blanket, some pillows. That's all she needed. And throw in a Jay Halstead in there to top it off and make it perfect.

Jay could see the internal conflict she was having. He laughed and kissed her forehead sweetly.

"Go back to sleep. I'll go get my stuff and be back with you before you know it," he said.

Erin smiled sleepily up at him before adjusting her body so that Jay could get up. He grabbed his keys and wallet and slipped quietly out the front door. As he drove, Jay couldn't help but smile to himself. His life was slowly coming back together. He was back where he belonged with the love of his life and he had a meeting later in the week with a lawyer to help him finalize his divorce from Abby.

"What are you so smiley about?" Will asked as Jay walked in.

"I'm moving back in with Erin."

"Really? That's great, Jay! I'm really happy things are starting to work out between you two. I know how much this means to you," Will said, grinning at Jay.

"Thanks, Will. Look, I really appreciate you letting me stay with you while I was figuring myself out. I know it wasn't easy, especially after what happened with Nina-"

"Hey man, it's no problem at all. You'd do the same for me." Will interrupted.

The brothers hugged before Jay turned away towards his temporary room. He collected his things, shoving them into the duffel bag he had brought and zipped it closed with a sense of finality. He was done running away from his problems. All it had done was cause problems for him and the people he loved. He was done hurting the people he cared about, especially Erin.

"Thank you for letting me stay with you, Will." Jay reiterated again as he headed towards the door.

"Anytime, bro. Good luck," Will said, clapping Jay on the shoulder.

By the time Jay got back home, Erin was still passed out. He set the bag down in the bedroom before carefully sliding onto the couch so that Erin's head was resting on his lap. Jay ran his fingers through her soft hair, being extra gentle so as not to wake her. He had missed this feeling. The comfort and security of having Erin so close to him, wrapped in his arms. Protecting her had always been one of his top priorities, but now he felt like it was more important than ever. Sure, he knew Erin Lindsay was more than capable of taking care of herself, but there was something about those eyes that made him want to wrap her up in his embrace forever.

"Hey," she whispered, her eyes still closed.

"Hey."

"Did you get your stuff from Will?" she asked, her eyes fluttering open slowly.

"Yeah I did, just got back."

"I'm really glad you're home," she whispered after a few minutes of silence had passed.

Jay's heart simultaneously broke and healed at the her words. It killed him that it had taken so long for them to work things out, but he was so happy to be back where he belonged. Erin looked up at him and smiled when she saw the light in his eyes. It made her feel complete in so many ways.

They simply laid on the couch, enjoying each other's company for the better part of the day. Nonsense shows played across the TV screen, but neither of them really took notice.

"Are you hungry?" Jay asked, breaking a long period of quiet.

"Starving."

"Does Chinese sound good? I can go grab some takeout." Jay offered.

"Let's go out for dinner. We've been on this couch all day." Erin said, sitting up and stretching.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Jay joked.

Erin laughed and stood up, pulling Jay with her. While she showered and did her hair, Jay put away his things from the duffel bag. He smiled to himself when he saw that Erin had still kept her things on one half of the closet and that the drawer she had left his drawer untouched except for a few shirts that she had taken out and worn.

"Are we going somewhere fancy or can I wear jeans?" Jay asked as Erin came into the bedroom, wrapped in a towel.

"Where do you want to go?" she asked, searching through the closet.

"I have an idea. Get dressed and stay in here until I come and get you," Jay instructed, pressing an excited kiss to her temple.

"Wait! What am I supposed to wear?" she asked.

"I wouldn't say no to that red dress you wore when we went to that sex club a couple of years ago," Jay said with a mischievous grin.

Erin rolled her eyes and went in search of the requested dress while Jay grabbed some clothes and raced out of the room.

He pulled on his dress slacks and a white button up, tossing his suit jacket over the back of a chair before racing around the kitchen, throwing things in a basket. Erin hadn't gone to the grocery store in a little while, so his options were limited, but Jay happily put together a picnic for the two of them. He added a bottle of wine, glasses, and napkins before grabbing a blanket and running the basket out to his car. When he got back upstairs, Erin was putting the finishing touches on her makeup.

"You look incredible," he said, approaching her.

"You don't look too bad yourself," she replied, sliding her feet into a pair of black heels and grabbing her purse from the dresser.

She followed Jay to the car and eyed the picnic basket in the backseat.

"A picnic?" she asked apprehensively.

"Shut up. I'm trying to be romantic." Jay laughed, sliding behind the wheel.

Erin giggled, but didn't say anything else. As they drove, Erin slid her hand into Jay's free one, squeezing gently.

"Promontory Point?" she asked, looking around.

"My mom used to take Will and I here when we were little. It was my favorite place," Jay explained, a smile etched onto his face.

Erin heart ached as Jay shared the small insight with her. He didn't talk about his mom often, so it meant a lot to her that he was opening up and sharing this spot with her. This was a special spot for him, a place that made him happy, and Erin couldn't stop the smile from forming on her face. He grabbed the picnic basket and blanket from the back before taking her hand and leading her down to the stone steps that ran along the waterfront. While Jay opened the bottle of wine, Erin began pulling out the rest of the picnic.

"PB&J?" she asked, looking at the sandwiches. "How romantic." She giggled.

"You didn't exactly have a lot of groceries to work with," Jay defended.

"I wasn't expecting to need them," she said quietly.

Jay squeezed her hand reassuringly, knowing that she was still feeling guilty about leaving. She gave him a half smile before pouring them both a glass of wine. They started eating, making small talk about the case Intelligence had just wrapped up.

"The guy didn't even try to cover his tracks. It was like he wanted to get caught," Jay said, finishing his sandwich.

Erin shook her head and took a sip of wine. She missed working in Intelligence. It hadn't even been a full week and she already craved the hustle and bustle of District 21. Now more than ever she wanted to get that adrenaline rush of going out on a raid; getting their vests on and guns loaded in the garage.

She even missed Sergeant Platt.

"You look sad," Jay commented with a frown as he looked over to Erin.

"I was just thinking about Intelligence and what I'm going to do going forward," she admitted.

"Don't think about that right now. Just take tonight to put all of that on the back burner and enjoy this bitching picnic that your _amazing_ boyfriend made for you," Jay said.

Erin laughed at Jay's choice of words, but decided to do what he suggested. There was nothing she could do about the situation right now, so she decided it wasn't worth ruining their comeback date. By the time the sun had set, the bottle of wine was long gone and the conversation had started to fade. Yet Erin's mind was still stuck on what she would be doing going forward.

"Are you good to drive?" Erin asked, looking over at Jay who was packing everything back up into the basket.

He nodded, standing up before reaching out a hand to his girl. She took it and let him help her to her feet. Once they were both standing, Jay pulled Erin into a much-needed hug. He just held her, letting their love surround them. It washed over them, healing remaining wounds and soothing aching souls. They fit into each other perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. Erin could feel Jay's heartbeat against her and she knew that she was back where she belonged. Chicago was where she belonged. In the protective arms of her man and nowhere else.

Nothing would prepare her for the series of events that came next.

 **X**

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	9. Chapter 9

**TW: Blood**

It all went downhill after that night.

Jay awoke from a restless sleep later that night. When he turned his head towards the clock, it was nearing 1:30am. They went to bed at midnight, so he couldn't say that he slept much at all. He was still having nightmares; his talks at support group were seeming to trigger them. It hadn't been that bad tonight; it appeared that he hadn't been sleepwalking, and thankfully, he wasn't getting aggressive.

When he looked over to Erin, however, she was deep in oblivion. The covers were pulled up to her chin and she way lying on her side facing him. She looked so serene - so innocent.

Jay quietly got out of bed, careful to not disturb Erin, before he made his way towards the ensuite bathroom. His head was spinning and he felt like he was going to throw up. When he turned on the light and locked the door behind him, he took in his complexion in the mirror.

His skin was pale and his bloodshot eyes were a stark contrast to the dark lines under his eyes. His hair was disheveled from his pillow and when he looked down at his hands and feet, he was not prepared.

His usually freckled arms and supposed to be bare feet were covered in blood. It was warm and sticky and it dripped off of his hands as he looked down at his limbs. When he looked back into the mirror, he was dressed in his fatigues; his last name was stapled across the right side of his chest, and he was wearing an army green helmet with a microphone on the side. He was wearing safety glasses that were obstructed slightly with some debris and his face was dirty.

He spotted the shower behind him in the mirror and quickly shed of the clothes from his past, unaware that he was actually removing his civilian clothes. He bent down to remove his soiled boots, but when the illusion of the blood splatter remained, his heart began to race even faster. He couldn't pull the boots off his feet so he turned on the water to the shower, not checking the temperature before walking in. The burning hot water brought a redness to his skin where it hit but all Jay could focus on was the blood that didn't seem to come off his skin.

He grabbed the bottle of body wash he left behind and poured a liberal amount across his arms. He began to vigorously scrub it over his forearms and hands, making sure that he didn't miss a single spot.

When he let the hot water spray away the suds, he noticed that his hands and arms were still covered in the bright red, sticky substance. Looking down at his legs, he noticed that they too were not getting cleaned off.

Sometime during his panic, tears began to fall out of his eyes. They mixed with the water that came pouring down from the showerhead and his hair, but with the redness in his face, it was obvious that he was crying. He grabbed the bottle of body wash from it's rightful place again before squeezing it out in large dollops over his skin. There were still some residual suds on his hands and the bottle slipped out of his hand. It made a large banging noise on the shower floor, startling him. He looked around the bathroom in panic, completely unarmed, for the source of the gunshots. When he deemed he was safe, he scrubbed his legs and feet before returning back to his arms.

Erin awoke to a loud noise coming from the ensuite bathroom. When she felt the absence of Jay's warm body, she turned her head towards the door, where she could see the light diffracting under it. She quickly got up, confused as to why the shower was running, and padded her way to the bathroom. When she tried the handle, she was surprised that it was locked. She knocked gently and softly called out to him. When she heard his laboured breathing, her heart dropped into her stomach. She ran across the room to grab a bobby pin that she left on her bedside table the night before. She was skilled enough to basically pick any lock, having done it so many times when Bunny was close to an overdose.

She sighed in relief when she felt the lock push open and the handle turn. She wasn't ready to see the scene inside.

Steam coated the mirror and Jay's clothes lay haphazardly on the floor, something he had a major pet peeve about. When she looked over to the shower, she was sure she was going to vomit out of fear and nerves. Erin could hear his desperate cries as she watched him scrub his skin so hard that it was red in some places. She knew he was close to drawing blood by the way his nails scratched at his skin.

Erin cautiously approached, not sure if she should be breaking him out his trance. He seemed to be aware of his surroundings though, because the second she stepped closer to him, his head snapped towards her.

That's what broke Erin the most.

His face was pink and his eyes were bloodshot. His eyes regarded her in fear and although she could see that the water was more than warm with the steam emanating off of it, he was shivering. His skin shined in some places and he was still covered in his body wash.

Erin took another step towards him, but stopped when she saw him trying to step away. His back was met with the cold tile of the shower and Erin saw him suck in a breath when he realized he was trapped.

"Jay… It's just me. It's Erin. Remember?" She watched his eyes do a once over of her, checking over if she had any kind of weapon on her. His eyes would stop occasionally; once on both sides of her hips and they seemed to linger around her abdomen. Erin knew he was searching for a gun and a bomb, respectively; it was something he was trained to look for. His hands were balled into fists and Erin knew his nails were digging into the palms of his hands and likely causing him some pain. "You're okay." She reminded softly.

It was subtle, but Erin had learned to watch Jay and memorize his body language. His shoulders slumped ever so slightly, and she knew he regarded her as safe. She took another small step towards him, staying in his view, and relaxed a bit when she noticed that he didn't do anything.

Erin opened the shower door slowly, never taking her eyes off of him, and turned off the water. She wasn't sure whether or not she should step in and touch him, but she couldn't help herself; he looked so broken.

Tears were still freely falling from his eyes and he sniffled occasionally. She stepped into the shower, her bare feet getting wet from the residual water puddles that remained. She slowly lifted her hand towards his face and cupped his left cheek. He flinched, but Erin didn't draw her hand back. She used the pad of her thumb to wipe his cheek dry before she balanced on the tips of her toes to place a kiss on his lips. She knew he asked to wait until he was fully better; to wait until he saw Dr. Charles, but at this moment, she didn't care. He pulled away from the kiss, falling into Erin's embrace. He was still crying and his grip on Erin's shirt was tight. His wet body soaked the fabric of her clothing but all she cared about was supporting him.

They held each other until Erin felt him shiver against her. His body had erupted into goosebumps so Erin turned to grab his towel on the towel rack. When she turned around to dry the remaining water droplets off of him, he stepped a small step away.

"Erin… there's still blood on my hands. I need to clean it off." His voice was raw and he was shaking his head as he looked at his hands.

"Jay, you're okay. Do you know where we are right now?" She placed a comforting hand on his chest and squeezed his pec; something she found herself to do when either of them were hurting.

"Afghanistan. There's blood on my hands and legs from trying to get Hollingsworth out. He didn't make it, Erin. He was bleeding. He died under my hands, Erin. It's my fault. I need to wash his blood off my hands."

"Jay." She stepped closer to him and wrapped the towel around his waist. "You're not in Afghanistan. You're at home remember? You're with me." He took some shuddering breaths and closed his eyes. A few tears soaked out of his eyes as he squeezed them shut tightly. "You're okay, Jay. Let's go back to bed." Erin stepped out of the shower and dried her feet on the bathmat. She looked behind her to see if Jay was following and smiled slightly when he grabbed onto her hand. She led them to their bed, tucked him in under the covers and removing the towel from around his waist. She placed a kiss on his forehead before turning and walking around to her side of the bed.

When she settled herself, she felt him shift and melt into her embrace. She left the light on to her bedside table in case Jay needed it in the night to see his surroundings. Erin knew that she wouldn't be falling asleep again soon. She would just hold him and comb her fingers in his hair, keeping him in a restful sleep, hopefully dreamless.

Erin just found out why Jay wanted to leave; why he left her alone when she said she could handle it. He knew it would be difficult for her because he'd already gone through it; and now, she wasn't so sure about how she would. Or more importantly, _if_ she could.

This was only the beginning.

 **X**

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	10. Chapter 10

When Erin woke up in the morning, she immediately noticed the lack of heat emanating from Jay's body next to her. A feeling of panic shot through her as she recalled the events of the previous night. Jumping out of bed, she raced through the apartment in search of her man. She checked both bathrooms and the spare bedroom, eventually finding him in the kitchen leaning against the counter. As he nursed a cup of coffee, Erin noticed how exhausted he looked. His hair was ruffled, his eyes were devoid of emotion and the way his body slumped slightly, it was obvious he didn't get much of a restful sleep after his shower.

"Hey," he said quietly with a scratchy voice before looking over at her.

"Hi," she responded almost cautiously as she located a mug and poured herself a cup of the steaming liquid. When she looked back at him, she noticed the red rims around his eyes and a handful of teardrops still drying on his shirt.

"Erin, I'm so sorry," he said, looking down at his drink. He couldn't bear to look at her; he was ashamed of what happened the night before, almost to the point of being embarrassed. That dream hadn't occurred for _years_.

Instead of saying useless words that she knew wouldn't bring him any comfort, she set down her mug and crossed the kitchen, wrapping Jay up in her arms. She let him bury his face in her shoulder and let out the remaining tears that he had been holding back.

She stroked his back soothingly as his body racked with sobs and his lungs gasped for air, knowing that her touch was something that grounded him. It scared her how vulnerable he was at the moment. It was as if the cocky and confident man she once knew was a completely different person; a completely different person that she fell in love with. But no, it wasn't his assertiveness or his sassy remarks that she fell for. It was the longing looks he gave her from his desk at work. It was letting her sleep in an extra fifteen minutes in the morning and showering first. It was getting her food when she would forget to eat during a case so she would be able to keep up her energy. It was lying in an uncomfortable position on the couch because she fell asleep against him again and he didn't want to disturb her so he stayed still. It was the way he wrapped his arms around her when she was falling apart, as if he was the only thing that kept her together.

And he was still all of that.

After a few minutes, Jay pulled back and wiped his face quickly. He took a deep breath and finally made eye contact with her. "I called Dr. Charles. He, uh, has an opening in his schedule for me today. I'm going to head over there in a few minutes." His voice was deep and raw from a combination of his lack of sleep and crying.

"That's great, Jay. I'm really glad you're taking this step," Erin said, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

"I really am sorry for last night. I thought I was getting better. The PTSD group was really helping." His voice was almost to the point where he was pleading with her. She understood, and she didn't care. Because all she has to do is look into his eyes, and she sees everything that she needs.

"Jay, we can talk about it later. Go meet with Dr. Charles. I'll be here when you get back."

Jay nodded at her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before grabbing his keys and wallet and leaving her standing alone in the kitchen. Erin let out a deep breath she didn't even know she had been holding. It killed her to see Jay in pain and she knew that there would be many more nights like the one before. She had experienced so many of his nightmares where he would wake up sweaty and desperate for air, but last night, she had never seen him so broken and vulnerable. And that scared her. As desperate as she was for him to get better, she knew deep down that it would take much more than her wiping away his tears and combing her fingers through his hair. It would take more than a few sessions with a therapist or a few weeks of happiness. But this was just something she would learn to deal with, because in the long run, she knew marrying Jay Halstead was worth the challenges and struggles.

"Knock knock," a voice said as the front door was pushed open, pulling her out of her thoughts.

Erin immediately reached to her hip for her gun, panicking when she realized she was still in her pajamas.

"It's just me, Lindsay. Please don't shoot," Adam Ruzek said, coming into the kitchen, his hands in the air.

"I hate you," Erin mumbled, going to the bedroom to change into actual clothes. She pulled on a pair of jeans and a dark green shirt before heading back out to the kitchen. Ruzek was sitting on the counter, drinking a cup of coffee that he had poured for himself. "Help yourself," she said, rolling her eyes. He made a face at her before taking another sip of his coffee. "Why are you here, Ruzek?" she asked, leaning against the counter.

"Intelligence has been working on a plan to get you back in the unit," he explained cheerfully, pointing to a file he had dropped on the kitchen table. Erin sat down in one of the chairs and opened the file. Inside were a handful of surveillance photos and a police report from nearly 10 years ago.

"Ruzek, I don't know if you remember but I don't have a badge anymore." Erin replied sarcastically. "I don't have access to any CPD resources, I can't work this case. Besides, this case was dubbed unsolvable by half of the department."

"Exactly. That's why you're going to solve it. Then the board will have no choice but to reinstate you."

"Did you not hear the part about me not having a badge or anything relating to the CPD anymore?" Erin asked, exasperated. Leave it to Voight to send Adam out of all people to try and get her career back.

"You're wrong, though. You still have everyone in Intelligence. Need a name run? We can do that. Need a warrant? We can get that. This case has been officially re-opened due to new evidence, so it's all on the books. There's no way we can get in trouble for this. We're going to do it the most textbook way possible," Ruzek said, smiling proudly.

"I feel like this is all going to come back and bite me in the ass," Erin said.

"Potentially. But I think it's a risk that you should definitely take. Voight will call you in a bit to discuss the case."

Erin nodded and closed the file. "I'll think about it. Thanks for stopping by, Adam. I really appreciate it," she said, standing.

Ruzek rinsed his mug and set it in the sink before coming over and hugging Erin tightly.

"We've got your back. Always."

* * *

"Do you have any idea what triggered this episode?" Dr. Charles asked as he looked at the younger man sitting across from him. Jay took a deep breath, this was not something he liked to do. Erin witnessing him in his catatonic state already had him feeling horrible and disgusted, now he had to talk about it again with a stranger.

"No… everything was fine. Better than fine actually."

"And what terms do you label fine?"

 _Finally moving back in with the love of my life._ "I don't know, it just felt… good. I was happy for once."

"Is there anything in your life that leaves you in a state of unhappiness?"

 _Nightmares. Support group. Afghanistan, oh God that fucking place. Hollingsworth. Mouse, where's Mouse?! Focus Jay._ "Sometimes cases at work are a bit difficult. Other than that I don't know."

"How are your support group meetings? Do you feel lighter when you leave? Burdened?"

 _Sick. I feel sick._ "I don't really get any kind of feeling. I just go because it makes me feel like I'm not the only one. I feel… I don't know how I feel."

"Included? Nervous? Awkward? Welcomed? Extenuated? Any of those?"

 _I feel like a dick. I murdered people why don't you understand that!_ Jay just shrugged his shoulders.

"Hey, that's alright. That's…"

 _That's what you're here to help me figure out._ A statement Jay had heard from his last therapist.

"In all of this, is there anything that brings you out of this state? Maybe listening to music? Going to the gym? A girlfriend?" Jay's face erupted into a smile at the last idea.

 _Her_.

"Yeah, a girlfriend. Erin." His voice caught in his throat as he said her name, like it was his only lifeline. _Erin._

"Well maybe we could do a couple of sessions with her? When you're comfortable. Totally your choice."

"Maybe one day."

* * *

"I'm home," Jay called as he walked into his and Erin's apartment. _Their_ apartment. Not hers, not his, theirs. Fatigue had begun to settle in both physically and mentally and all he wanted to do was smash his face into his pillow for a few hours. It was almost lunch time, so he was hoping that Erin ordered take out or cooked something. Instead, he found her in the living room, surveillance photos and papers spread across the floor. She was sitting in front of it all, scribbling furiously on a notepad. "Hey, babe. Whatcha doing?" he asked cautiously, not wanting to catch her off guard.

Erin held up a finger, indicating for him to give her a minute. He waited while she finished writing something down, scanning the case in front of the woman. "Okay, sorry. I had to finish my thought," she said, looking up at him.

He walked over and sat next to her, kissing her temple before looking down at her notepad. "What is all of this?" he asked.

"It's a cold case that just got reopened. Ruzek brought it over while you were gone," she said.

"Why would he do that?" Jay asked, confused.

Erin explained to Jay what Ruzek had told her. When she was finished, she looked at her man expectantly. She could tell he wasn't sure how to react, but he smiled at her and pulled her in for a kiss. Comfort and support radiated between them as they kissed.

"I'm really happy you guys have figured out a way to get things back on track," Jay said, breaking the kiss.

"It's a long shot, but I'm just happy to be working again for right now. I need to keep my hands busy." Erin said with a smile.

Jay's heart swelled when he saw the excitement in her eyes. It made him so happy to see his girl in good spirits after everything that had happened over the past few weeks. "What can I do to help?" he asked, picking up a handful of photos.

"I could use a fresh pair of eyes on those photos to see if there's anything useful in them," Erin said, indicating the array of photographs in front of them.

"Alright. Let's crack this case and get you back on the team."

 **X**

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	11. Chapter 11

Erin and Jay worked late into the night, pouring over all of the evidence in the decade old murder case. The more they worked, the more the living room resembled the aftermath of a natural disaster. Pizza boxes and beer bottles littered the coffee table and there wasn't an inch of space left on the rug to walk around. Voight had called just as Ruzek said, and he gave Erin a rundown of how things may go.

At around midnight, Jay and Erin decided to go to bed, their eyes burning and heads heavy. The case revolved around a young woman who had been murdered just days after her wedding. Originally the police had suspected her husband—due to the fact that she had loads of money and had decided not to sign a prenup—but the man had a seemingly airtight alibi.

As Erin brushed her teeth, Jay leaned up against the headboard with his eyes closed. Memories from the night before flashed through his mind and although his bed was calling him name all day, he didn't want to sleep. The sound of the light clicking off from the ensuite brought his attention back to Erin, the scent of mint following her around. She settled under the covers on her side of the bed, snuggling into him.

"You should sleep, you had a long day." Erin mumbled.

"So did you." Jay countered. "I'm really proud of you for throwing yourself into this case. I know it can't be easy after everything that's happened." His hand moved in a soothing pattern on the bare skin under her shirt.

"Yeah… I just hope everything ends okay." When Erin looked up towards Jay, she noticed his eyes were closed. "Jay."

"Hmm."

"Lie down, go to sleep." Erin insisted as she shifted her position to allow him to get comfortable.

"I'm not tired yet."

"Are you sure? We had a really long da—"

"Er, I'm fine. Honestly. Today was just overwhelming. Go to sleep, babe." He opened his eyes and watched her settle again before wrapping his arm around her.

A few minutes passed before Erin broke the silence again. "Jay, I'm not gonna push you to talk, but if, anything ever becomes too much, or if you just need to get something off your chest, please tell me. I don't want you to suffer alone."

"There's just a lot that's happened over the past few weeks. I'll be fine." Jay said, pressing a reassuring kiss into Erin's hair.

Erin sighed—slightly frustrated—but decided not to overstep. Jay would talk to her when he was ready, and she would wait for however long it took him to get to that point. She pressed her hand softly against his bare chest for a moment before nestling deeper under the covers and closing her eyes. After a few minutes, she felt Jay lie down as well, pulling her to him.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," he replied, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

* * *

A couple of hours later, Erin woke up after feeling a shiver over her arms. She was lying on her side and when she peeked over her shoulder, she noticed the lack of Jay's body next to her. Fearing that Jay had another episode, Erin's eyes quickly looked towards the bathroom but she breathed a sigh of relief when she noticed that it was unoccupied.

Grabbing the sheets, Erin wrapped them around her shoulders before softly padding down the hallway in search of Jay. It wasn't long before she found him asleep on the couch, face illuminated by the TV. His facial features looked soft and almost child-like as he slept. It pulled at Erin's heartstrings seeing him like this, so calm and undisturbed. If only she could somehow make him feel that way while he was awake.

Due to his height, his legs hung off the couch and his head was rested uncomfortably against a cushion. Erin stood there for a moment, debating whether it was worth waking him. Eventually, she decided to just let him sleep. She grabbed a blanket from the closet and laid it over him, gently repositioning him so that he wouldn't be too sore when he woke up.

She was about to head back to the bedroom when Jay stirred. Looking back at him, she saw that his eyes were open but he didn't seem to be awake.

"Jay?" she asked, taking a cautious step towards him.

His eyes cleared as he snapped out of whatever trance he had been in. "Hey, what are you doing up?" he asked, sitting up quickly and looking at his surroundings.

"I woke up and you weren't in bed so I came out to check on you," she explained, relaxing. "I just thought that you had another nightmare."

"No. No, I just couldn't sleep." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands before looking up at the TV. "I thought watching TV would help me get tired and I guess it did."

"Well come to bed, your neck is probably aching from sleeping like that." Erin reached for the remote on the coffee table before clicking the power button. The apartment was flooded with darkness, the only light coming in from the streetlights below. She heard him slowly get off the couch and follow behind her.

He helped her adjust the sheets again before climbing into bed. It seemed like the second his head hit his pillow, he was asleep. All Erin could only hope for a restful night for him.

* * *

"Well, you'll have to be undercover, and we don't know how long this could last." Voight sat in his office staring at Erin who sat across from him. "It's risky."

"We don't have any leads, we're starting from square one. How risky could it be?"

"Someone comes snooping around about a murder that happened a decade ago, it's suspicious."

"When will I be going under?"

"I'd say sometime in the next few weeks. We need leads to work with first, make sure your alias works in the environment. This all needs play-by-play planning, Erin. Your job is also riding on this."

"Well I guess we better get started then." Erin stated with finality in her voice. "Let's get me back into the CPD."

"I'm proud of you for taking this head on kid. But what ever happened to 'don't look back'?" Voight laughed.

"You know I couldn't stay away from Chicago. I couldn't even get out."

"Fair enough, now let's get to work."

* * *

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